A Christmas Message

I am writing this solely because I am stuck at work with nothing to do. Well, that’s not quite true; I have a lot to do, I just refuse to do it. 

Like most people, I sat down for my Christmas poo in 2018 and, when I stepped out of the bathroom, I discovered it was Christmas eve of 2019 and I hadn’t done any shopping. So, naturally, I put on my winter cardigan, donned my ushanka hat, wrapped a scarf about my neck and stepped outside. At this point I remembered global warming is continuing unchecked and it was 13 degrees outside.

So, overdressed and sweating, I marched to do my duty and prop up the economy for another year, singing Christmas songs.

Oh, the weather outside is mild

And the fires in Australia are wild

But since it’s Christmas again

Let capitalism reign, let it reign, let it reign.

I don’t feel good about that. There’s nothing lazier than a parody ‘comedy’ song. I got stuck in a toy shop as I struggled to buy presents for my brother’s ever-increasing horde of children all of whom are under ten and yet to feel the bitter sting of cynicism. Naturally, this needs to be preserved more than ever, so I waded into the muck and got stuck in. I’m sure you’ve read enough articles on the various disasters and political cock-ups that occurred this year, so let’s instead look into the future. If I get in there first, I can beat the inevitable landslide of new year posts. I assure you, there will in no way be a ‘new me’ in 2020, I will stick to the old me and make no attempt at self-improvement. Better the enemy you know. 

So, what can we expect in 2020. 

The UK are set to leave the EU on January 31, following the will of the people. Or 52% of the people. Or rather 52% of the people who bothered to go out and vote on the day all those years ago. 

In terms of trade, the EU has stated that, upon leaving, the UK would face the choice of becoming a rule taker like Norway currently is, or have a standard free trade agreement like Canada has. I don’t know what this means, but it’s okay as I don’t have to; the UK have rejected both. Apparently, we think we can have our cake and eat it. Of course, this is largely because we’re led by people who, throughout their lives have had access to all the cake they want, so the idea of not getting any cake doesn’t enter their heads. 

‘Tis likely then that there’s going to be a lot of wrangling to sort out a viable trade deal. Considering it took 4 years to ‘get Brexit done’ (a statement that was as meaningless as my promise to visit my granddad), we should have a working trade deal in place by 2025.  

We can look forward to ‘the People’s Government’, bringing about positive change. With Boris Jonson and his no nonsense ways at the helm, we can’t possibly fail. The very next day following his landslide victory, the ‘People’s PM’ valiantly rushed off to party with the rich and famous hosted by ex KGB agent Lebedev, where the caviar was aplenty and golden rivers of champagne flowed. He took that hit for us – the people. 

2020 will see us finally start to shift the burden that is the NHS. No longer will the government have to prop up this useless institution that does nothing for anyone. Sure, they said they weren’t planning on selling it, but Boris also said we could take back control of a £350 million figure to inject into the NHS. Despite the actual sum being around £250 million and numerous financial experts claiming that changes to the UK economy in changes in trade could ramp up to a lot more than that. I read the Conservative manifesto and saw no mention of £350 million or even £250 million a week heading towards the NHS, so I can assume they’re just going to scrap it. And good riddance to it. I’ll finally stop having to listen to my aged mother complain about being overworked and underpaid. It’ll be better for everyone to just get rid of it. Apart from the sick of course. But they won’t be complaining for very long. 

With the head of ‘the People’s Government’, freely making derogatory comments throughout his career, the common, garden variety racist may once again feel emboldened. There’ll no doubt be a sharp rise in extreme right-wing predjudices. Who knows, we might even start seeing more violence. Of course, the gulf between the rich and the poor will extend another mile or two. The Conservatives promised to raise the minimum wage in the run up to the election, but have recently added the caveat ‘if the economy allows’, allowing them to make a U-turn if the mood strikes, and this was just a week into their reign. At this rate, I will easily win ‘broken promise bingo’, but it will be a bittersweet victory. 

With the ‘People’s Government’ opting for a more lax approach to combating climate change, we can look forward to warmer winters in the years to come. Maybe next year we’ll catch fire. Won’t look so big then will you Australia? 

Obviously, that was said in jest. The current spate of bushfires is terrible. 

By this time next year, all the promises will be broken. The Government will crumble, society will break into factions and there will be many years of violence. Years later, the descendents of the survivors will have to build a better tomorrow out of the ruins of our long forgotten and half-sunk nation. But remember, this is the future you voted for. 

*You may think this has lacked balance and that that I’m just bitter about Labour’s appalling performance in this year’s election. And you’d be right. I refuse to grand Boris any form of lenience. In fact, in the interest of transparency, let me tell you I have a recurring fantasy. In this fantasy, Boris Johnson has a fatal and public bout of explosive diarrhea. In the midst of an attack, some faeces flies into Rees-Mogg’s eyes giving him shit eye blindness. Alas, the last time I saw Boris on TV he looked perfectly healthy. Rees-Mogg’s eyes still appear to be functioning too.  



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